Mind The Gap
Do you remember where you were when you first heard the term “post-truth”? How about “alternative facts”?
Did the ground seem to shift beneath your feet? Did you wonder how we could possibly move forward as a species, if we can’t even agree on the things happening in front of our eyes?
Until very recently, the dominant story was handed down from on high, via our TVs and newspapers: Doctors have our best interests at heart. The police are here to protect us. Racism is bad, but luckily most people aren’t racist. Scientists know best. Political experience makes for better politicians. The Earth is round.
Then the internet blew things wide open, and provided a platform for a dizzying variety of perspectives and opinions: Are vaccines necessary public-health measures, or a dangerous money grab? Are police here to keep us safe or to maintain inequality through the use of force? Is discrimination the result of a few bad apples or is it baked into our culture? Is climate change an existential threat or an elaborate hoax? Will unpredictable reality stars save us from corruption or throw the world into chaos? Is the Earth flat? Is it “Laurel” or “Yanny”?
Suddenly the world of information is much more confusing. But this complexity didn’t start with the Internet. It didn’t emerge fully-formed from a cluster of wires, like Venus de Milo emerging from a seashell. The different perspectives were always there. The internet just gave people a platform to share them with the world.
That platform has allowed a more diverse set of voices and stories to be heard, and that is absolutely a good thing. The bad news is that, whatever a person happens to believe, they can now immerse themselves in an echo chamber of yes-men where they become more and more alienated from people who disagree. This divide then moves offline, where we seem to find it ever more difficult to talk to each other, let alone work together for a better world.
Nobody ever seems to change their mind. This is partly because our brains are wired to protect our most precious beliefs, but it’s also a symptom of the way we communicate. The snarky, Twitter-ified communication that is so trendy now, is great for rallying people around a cause but terrible for persuading people to think differently. If your goal is to persuade, then you need the skills to reach around other people’s defenses and connect with what makes them human.
As a speaker, as a communicator, as a change-maker, you need to be able to reach across the gap and meet people where they are.
Everybody is different, and everybody sees the world a little bit differently. We all have access to the same information, but we process the facts differently.
This matters, because if you’re trying to convince somebody to think or do something, the arguments that would persuade you might have the opposite effect (or no effect) on somebody else.
People spend their lives constructing strong world-views and then protecting those world views from information that could threaten it. We all want to be smart, we all want to be good, and we all want to be right. When you present someone with information that contradicts or threatens that world-view, they are likely to reject it forcefully and even double down on their beliefs. (By the way, you do this, too. And so do I.)
So how could you possibly ever get through to someone?
Well, you start by not even trying. Before you open your mouth, you need to know how that person thinks.*
What’s important to them? Some things are nearly universal, like safety, freedom, and the well-being of loved ones. Others are personal, like the communities we belong to and the causes we support.
How do they think about what’s “right”? Do they have a strict moral code or are they more pragmatic? How do they define what’s fair and what’s not? Which injustice (real or perceived) bother them the most?
Who do they trust? How do they feel about authority figures? Are they more likely to be swayed by scientific or spiritual leaders? Who do they respect and who do they think is a hack?
The best communicators know how to listen. They set aside their egos in the interest of learning. They observe others, they analyze patterns, they put the pieces together. They step outside of themselves, and consider how the world looks from someone else’s perspective.
Once you’ve learned the person’s language, speak it.
Show them how your idea helps advance the thing they care about. Show how it fits within their moral code. Find support in the ideas of the people they trust.
Let go of jargon. Speak simply and from the heart. Identify the values that you share, and show them how you’re trying to solve a problem that they have.
At its core, communication is about empathy. The only way to reach people is by giving them the benefit of the doubt, even when you think their views are misguided or incorrect or even repugnant. When they feel respected, they are more likely to respect you. When they feel like you’re looking out for their best interests, they’re more likely to trust you. When you’ve got that trust, you can hit them with the more difficult truths and have a better chance of success.
This is a very uncomfortable thing to do. You run the risk that others will see you as weak; that they’ll think you condone their way of thinking. Worse yet, there’s a risk that your whole world view might fall apart and you’d be forced to build a new one.
Luckily, it’s possible to listen to others, and even adapt your own thinking, without giving in. You have the power to break down barriers, to reduce the Twitter-ification of our conversations, and to move your message forward.
But if you’re not willing to do it, you might as well be yelling into a void.
*The fine print: The techniques work best for the run-of-the-mill disagreements you might have at the office or at family reunions. But plenty of the issues we face can get ugly, and let’s not pretend that they impact everybody equally. It’s never your responsibility to endure abuse of any kind, to talk about your trauma, or to put yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe, in the interest of changing somebody’s mind. Walk away. Take care of yourself. And find somebody who’s got your back.
Ready to master these habits in your workplace and your life? Contact us and ask how you can bring a Stage Light Communications workshop to your organization. Yes, we work virtually!