3 communication techniques to get you through that family dinner
Planning to spend some time with family in the next little while? Worried that your dinner will be served with a side of guilt trips, passive-aggressive comments, or really terrible opinions?
Let’s talk about how to defuse those situations without compromising on your values and boundaries.
Let me tell you a secret: my biggest teacher, when it comes to communication skills, wasn’t formal education. It wasn’t practicing law or performing comedy on stage. It wasn’t training to be a facilitator and spending my time around excellent communicators.
All of those things helped - a lot - but my greatest teacher was growing up in a family full of colourful, opinionated, and (occasionally) very difficult people.
The people you love can drive you bananas - but you still love them. So you want to safeguard those relationships even as you shut down the intrusive questions, the criticisms, and the bad takes. The secret is learning assertive communication - and serving it up as liberally as your cousin’s to-die-for mashed potatoes.
Assertiveness is all about setting boundaries and standing up for yourself in a way that is kind but firm. You’re not stepping on other people, and you’re not letting them step on you. Here are a few ways you can do that:
Kicking us off at #1 is the old standby, I” statements.
Two phrases that come up a lot in families are “you never” and “you always.” This leads to a debate about whether the person literally never or literally always does that thing, and gives them an opportunity to paint themselves as a victim of slander. It’s a trap!
Instead of levelling accusations, speak about, and for, yourself: I think, I feel, I believe, I need, I prefer, I don’t want, I don’t appreciate, I’m not going to, I don’t find that funny.
There’s a lot less room for argument when you’re simply stating your own experiences or preferences.
But some people will still try to argue, which brings us to #2: the broken record.
Once you’ve set boundaries for yourself, there will be people who see them not as firm statements, but as the beginning gambit in a negotiation. You’ve got to shut that assumption down right away. Boundaries only work if you stick to them, so you cannot entertain any attempts to negotiate. Instead, you repeat yourself. Over and over. Until they get bored and give up.
Finally, #3 is a bit of a mindset shift: give yourself permission to not give excuses.
Most of the time, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your personal choices. If you do you try to explain yourself, you run the risk of your reasons being seen as up for debate . Of your choices being up for negotiation. Which they’re not.
So practice saying to yourself: “I am an adult, and this is the choice that I have made for myself. It’s not up for debate.” And then, when you’re ready, say it out loud to anyone else who needs to hear it.
Oh, and one more thing: give yourself some slack if you don’t do this perfectly. Family relationships are one of the toughest places to introduce new behaviours and new communication styles, because people have had many years to get used to you being a certain way, and because those relationships are so important that you don’t want to risk damaging them. But if you feel your family oversteps your boundaries in a way that makes family visits stressful, even little steps to assert yourself can make a big difference in the long term.