How to stop undermining your own confidence

In the last blog,I shared some techniques that can help you save time on your talks and presentations. I hope you’ve been using that advice and making more space in your life for the stuff that brings you joy

This is a companion piece to the last blog, because one thing that tends to drive people to over-prepare is: perfectionism. The fear of screwing up can drive you to try and control absolutely everything, and you end up wearing yourself down as a result. That fear, and the sense that you have to make everything perfect, can lead you to procrastinate, which makes the whole experience even more stressful when you eventually have to buckle down and actually do it. And it can lead you to avoid public speaking entirely, which means you’re missing out on opportunities to showcase your expertise and advance your career.

In all the years that I’ve been working with professionals on their public speaking, I’ve noticed that there are 3 mental habits that prevent people from speaking up and getting recognized. And just like any other habit, these ones can be changed.

Part 1: Cool Story, Bro

When clients come to me with a fear of public speaking, one of the first questions I ask them is, “What are you afraid might happen?”  

They give answers like “I might blank out” or “I might flub my lines” or “people might be able to tell that I’m nervous.”

And my next question is, “Okay, what might happen then?” To which they reply, “nothing. I guess” or at most, “I’d be embarrassed.”

A lot of the negative scenarios that we dream up really don’t matter. They have no longer-term consequences than “it might be a little embarrassing in the moment.” Your audience doesn’t know if you don’t follow your speaking notes, because they haven’t read your speaking notes. If you fumble, they might not even notice, because they’re not paying as much attention to you as you think they are. And even if they do notice, they’re not going to waste much time thinking about it - because they have a million things going on in their own lives, and your little flub doesn’t even register in their list of priorities.

So the first thing to ask yourself is: “does this thing I’m worrying about even matter?

Part 2: This is a Solvable Problem

The second mental habit that will undermine your success is worrying, but not making a plan.

There are some mistakes you could make as a speaker that would have real impacts on you, your career, or the people around you. But don’t fall into the trap of ruminating on those things rather than planning for how you’ll either avoid them or deal with them if they come up.

If you’re worried your audience will be bored, spend some time thinking about what interests them and how you can frame your message around their interests. Work on making your delivery more animating and engaging. If possible, bring in some audience interaction.

If you’re worried that they’ll think you don’t know what you’re talking about, make sure you’ve got your facts right, and practice giving a clear, confident delivery. And take some time to think about what questions the audience might have, and how you would respond to them. While you’re at it, think about what you’ll do if you don’t know the answer to a question. Can you point to a resource or them to check out, or a gap in the existing knowledge that makes it impossible for anyone to answer their question? Can you offer to follow-up with an answer, so that you can continue building a relationship with that person and demonstrate your abilities?

Another example - and this is a big one - is when the topic is somewhat sensitive, and you don’t want to offend anyone accidentally. This comes up all the time, as more and more lived experiences come to be represented in the public conversation, and demands for inclusion are increasing, and the preferred language is rapidly changing and becoming more complex. 

So as you prepare for a speaking engagement, it can be helpful to have someone else review your notes and give you feedback on how your words might be perceived. It’s also useful to think ahead to how you would respond if someone were to take issue with something you say, or if you catch yourself accidentally using a turn of phrase that could cause offence. How would you deal with that gracefully, respectfully, sincerely, without making it awkward?

In all of this planning, it can be really helpful to have at least a 2nd opinion to help you see the possibilities that you’re missing. That could be a friend, a trusted colleague, or a professional.

(Pssst: being that second pair of eyes and ears is what I do. And it makes a real difference for my clients to know. “Ok, I have a plan. That means I don’t have to carry this fear around with me anymore.” So if these worries are holding you back, PLEASE get in touch with me. It’s better to invest a little time and energy into preparing for these contingencies, rather than deal with the fallout afterwards because you failed to plan.)

Part 3: Stop Killing the Vibe

The third and final habit that will undermine your confidence is a funny little trick that all of our brains play on us.

Here’s the thing about fear: it’s our brain’s way of keeping us safe. And when the goal is to be safe, it’s better to be over-sensitive to potential danger. It’s better to imagine a danger that doesn’t exist than to ignore a danger that does exist. So our brains will always be looking for the thing that could go wrong.

That means that we’ll focus on a potential negative outcome, when a positive outcome is equally likely or even more likely.

“What if they think I’m stupid?”

What if they think you’re brilliant?

“What if they disagree with me?”

What if you have a meaningful exchange that leads to everyone understanding each other a little better?

“What if I fail?”

Well, what if, after all that preparation you’ve done, you succeed beyond your wildest dreams?

With all of these types of thought patterns, it’s easy to get into a habit where you think the thought, and it’s uncomfortable, so you try to avoid the situation that causes that discomfort.

Once you recognize those thoughts and your reaction to them, you can start to shift into a new set of mental habits: you notice the thought, and you immediately ask yourself, “what kind of thought is this, and what can I do about it?” So those thoughts stop being threats, and they become information that you can use to get better and better, and more confident, and more unstoppable.

So let me know in the comments: which of these habits do you find yourself in most often?

And if you want to dig deeper into this transformation, with me and with an amazing group of your fellow Superstars, check out my Fearless Public Speaking program. There’s a self-paced online version, and in Ottawa, Ontario, I’ll be teaching it in person starting on September 10th. We have so much fun in this program - it’s all about helping you feel good in your own skin and develop solid public speaking skills based on your strengths and your personality, not on some fake persona that you’re “supposed”  to embody.

Got questions? Get in touch!