What Happens When Women Speak

Let's talk about women talking.

The public speaking industry is full of advice on how to rid your speech of “annoying” habits. 

Annoying is in quotations very intentionally here, because I don’t actually find some of these habits that annoying. 

Sure, anything can start to grate at your nerves if it’s very repetitive. But most of the time, the habits described as “annoying” are really just speech patterns that women are more likely to have, for various reasons (or that are more noticeable in women). 

So when people on the internet say “Rid your speech of these 10 annoying habits”, what they really mean is…

‘’Stop sounding like a girl’.

One of the foundational values of Stage Light Communications is the firm belief that we, as a society, need to be influenced by a greater diversity of voices - and therefore, people need to have the space to communicate in their distinctive and authentic ways rather than having to fit some arbitrary mold in order to be taken seriously. 

This is the reason I get out of bed every morning. To help you present  the most powerful, influential version of YOUR voice. 

To fight back against the message that you are less worthy of attention and respect because you don’t fit the mold of what society, through a series of historical accidents, has deemed the type of person who deserves to be heard. 

So let me be your Ms. Frizzle as we take a magical ride through the world of sociology and linguistics, and how they affect the way that people communicate and how we’re perceived. 

To be clear, this information does not apply to all people, in all places, at all times. There is remarkable diversity among women - go figure! This research came about when I got curious about my own experiences as a young professional - hearing people who looked and spoke like me being mocked; called insecure and unintelligent, when we were neither of those things; being called annoying just for opening our mouths.

I learned to change the way I speak in order to gain access to professional spaces. Many people from many different backgrounds have to do the same thing every day.

But all those habits that you cover or suppress? They don’t go away!

When I’m with my friends I still talk like a millennial who grew up wearing crop tops and watching Britney Spears videos on TV…because that’s who I am. #SorryNotSorry.

And all those habits that make me sound “insecure” and “unintelligent” and “annoying”?

They’re actually sophisticated and nuanced forms of communication - if you know what you’re looking for.

Awareness is Everything

Here’s something I’ve learned over the course of my career; first working as a lawyer, then as someone who trains and consults professionals on how to make communication work for them.

If you’re looking to be the kind of person that others stop and listen to, and take seriously, then you need to be aware of what you’re putting out there, and why.  And you need to be aware of when others don’t pick up what you’re laying down. When you have that awareness, you can make a choice:

“When will I be pragmatic and change the way I communicate in order to match my audience’s expectations, in order to reduce friction and more easily get to what I want to achieve? And when will I stand in my power, as the person I grew up to be, and say ‘This is who I am, and you can just deal with that’?” 

When you have that choice, you have power.

On the flip side, if you write someone off because something about the way they communicate doesn’t match your expectations of how they’re “supposed” to express themselves, how much insight and value are you missing out on? 

What if you could learn to interpret this unfamiliar mode of communication and make your own world bigger as a result?

Let’s dive in.

Upspeak

Upspeak (aka uptalk) is when you end a sentence with an upward inflection? Like you’re asking a question? Even when you’re not?

As a public speaking coach, I spend a decent amount of time helping clients control their upspeak. Because it’s often perceived as being ditzy; people will assume that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that you’re feeling unsure of yourself.

To be fair, sometimes that’s true. 

Upspeak can also be annoying when used excessively. At the same time, it’s also a sophisticated form of nonverbal communication - and what it conveys might surprise you.

1: It can be used to verify that the listener understands.

Let’s say we’re in an office building, and you ask me for directions to the bathroom. I might say:

“Turn left? Then turn right? Go about 5 doors down that hallway? And it’ll be on your left.”

Does it sound like I don’t know where the bathroom is? Because I know where the bathroom is. YOU’RE the one who doesn’t know. What I’m doing is checking in with you at every step, to verify that you’re following along and comprehending - so that I don’t have to start again at the beginning because YOU got confused.

2. Upspeak can be used to “hold the floor”

This means that it’s used to signify that you haven’t finished speaking, so the listener should not interrupt you.

You’ll probably notice that people who use upspeak will usually use a downward inflection when they’ve finished speaking: “I’m still talking? I’m still talking? I’m still talking? This is the part where I stop talking.”

That signals: okay, I’m done - you can have the floor now.

Side note: in public speaking you don’t really need to hold the floor - because for a period of time, you own the floor. That’s why it can seem more out-of-place in a formal presentation than in ordinary conversation. But that’s a topic for another day.

3. Upspeak can be used to assert dominance.

WHOA, didn’t see that coming, did you?  Isn’t upspeak all about insecure girlies being passive and weak?

Studies around the world have shown that in workplace settings, people in positions of authority are more likely to use upspeak than their subordinates. A study in Hong Kong business and academic meetings found that meeting chairs, i.e. the most powerful people in the room, used upspeak three to seven times more often than their subordinates. 

When the boss says “I think Susan could take over writing that report?” there’s no doubt that Susan’s going to write that report. The boss isn’t asking.

On that note: former US President George W. Bush is a frequent user of upspeak. And while many people have called him many things, one word they DON’T often use is “insecure.”

Vocal Fry

Vocal fry is when a person’s voice sounds a little creaky. 

A person with a vocal fry is often written off as immature or annoying, but if you’ve been paying attention so far you probably know where I’m going with this: 

Vocal fry is a form of non-verbal communication!

1. It provides a verbal parenthesis that helps structure a narrative.

If you read the transcript of someone speaking naturally, you might find it fairly incomprehensible.That’s because we’ll often go off on little tangents or make commentary on what we’re saying as we say it. 

But when you’re listening to someone speak, it’s easy to follow along. That’s because a speaker can change their voice slightly in order to signal that they’’re adding a little aside, then change back to their normal speaking voice to return to the main idea.

If you want to add some backstory or or interject an opinion into something that you’re saying, you can lower the register of your voice into a fry to signal that you’re expressing an idea that is separate from your main narrative.

2. You can use vocal fry to distance yourself from an idea, or to convey your stance on an issue. 

I could tell you about how some people believe that pineapple should never go on pizza. If I say it in a neutral tone of voice, it kind of sounds like I sympathize with this point of view.

I don’t.

So if I’m more likely to yell you, in a deep and derisive vocal fry, that some people believe pineapple should never go on a pizza - which more tangibly expresses what I think of those people and their nonsense.

3. Vocal fry can be used to seek commiseration.

You use it to express a challenge or a negative feeling that you want the other person to understand.

I once started a business with a friend. And because we were broke, we had all our business meetings in coffee shops. I remember this one time, we were talking business but she suddenly let slip that there was something going on in her personal life. When she did, she immediately went into a vocal fry. That signalled to me that she needed me to shift from colleague mode to friend mode and talk about it with her. So we sat there in that coffee shop and creaked at each other for a while, until she’d gotten things off her chest and started feeling better.

Vocal fry is great for context since the sound doesn’t carry. The person sitting next to you in that coffee shop probably can’t hear what you’re talking about.

That distinction points us to a reason why this mode of communication is not always a good idea. Because just like anything else, there are times when vocal fry will not serve you.

One of those times is when you’re trying to speak loudly and authoritatively; when you need to project your voice. Vocal fry doesn’t project well. It’s only useful if you’re very close to the listener or you have a microphone very close to your face.

If your voice has a tendency to fry, you may also want to consider…well…being a man.

For all the (many) complaints I’ve heard throughout the years about women sounding annoying when they fry, I’ve never heard a single complaint about men doing it - not even the creakiest voice I’ve ever heard in the public sphere, celebrated This American Life host Ira Glass.

It’s almost as if there were a double standard where people who are read as female get punished for the very same behaviour that is celebrated in people who are read as male…so mysterious!

Finally, what would this list be without the verbal pause all love to hate:

‘Like’

A verbal pause is a word that you say in order to show that you’re pausing to think but you have not yet finished speaking. This family includes words like um, ah, so, you know - and countless other counterparts in different languages around the world. Verbal pauses are pretty universal.

1. “Like” can serve a similar function to upspeak: holding the floor.

If you’re trying not to use upspeak to hold the floor because people keep telling you that you sound like an airhead when you do, you might then default to the next floor-holding tool in your arsenal: saying “like”.
2. It can be used to introduce delicate or sensitive ideas.

Different verbal pauses serve different functions, and “like” is no exception.

You can use it when you know that what you’re about to say might evoke an emotional reaction. For example, in a personal conversation with a friend you might say: “I think this new guy you’re dating is, like…not a good guy, and you should stay far away from him.

3. It can communicate nuance or uncertainty.

Consider the following statements:

“The Godfather is the most famous movie in history”

“The Godfather is, like, the most famous movie in history”

These two statements have very different meanings. The first one is presented as a statement of fact. The second is an estimate or a guess. It’s not intended to be taken as literal, categorical fact, and the “like” serves to clarify that.

The bottom line

Nobody is going to like listening to everybody, and that’s okay. I’m not trying to shame anyone for their tastes. Any one of these habits can be annoying when they’re excessive. But it’s important to recognize that they each have value as codes that convey meaning. We can all work so much better together if we can bridge the disconnects in understanding and pick up on what those around us are trying to express.

If you use any of these speech patterns, it’s worth being aware of what you’re trying to convey with them, and asking yourself (a) whether your audience understands what you’re trying to communicate and (b) whether they’re forming unwanted perceptions about you as a result.

If the message you’re putting out isn’t being received, you’re not really communicating. Communication requires the sender and the receiver to be using the same code. So if you find yourself being misunderstood, you may want to adapt the way you speak to them in order to reduce friction. 

At the same time, don’t EVER let anyone shame you for communicating the way you learned how.

And if you are in the habit of forming snap judgments about people because they have these or any other speech patterns that aren’t familiar to you, I challenge you to ask yourself whether the deficiency is in their character or intelligence, or in your understanding of the way they express themselves. Get curious, and try to figure out the depths of meaning that they’re trying to convey.

And when it comes to young women in the workplace, consider this: most of us learned to speak from young women. Our mothers, day care workers and teachers who may once have been mocked for the speech patterns that seem so natural to you today. Young women are, historically speaking, the most influential demographic when it comes to the evolution of language.

So if you want to stay on the cutting edge? Go learn something from your young female colleagues. Because they are, like, the communications experts of the future.

Join the conversation about this topic in our Facebook group, Get Your Speak On!